A Letter from Esther

Dear friend,

I said something on Episode 1 of The Broker’s Table that I want to explain more slowly here.

I said: “You don’t subtract. You fill each other’s cup.”

Rich and I do not have a perfect marriage. We have a marriage that has survived two continents, two PhD programs, cultural clashes that were genuinely hard, and the ordinary weight of building a life together over years. It has not been elegant. It has been real.

The marriages I admire most are not balanced in any given week. They are additive over time. One person carries more for a season. Then the other does. The cup is always being filled, not always by the same hand, not always in equal measure, but the cup does not run dry.

Work through this alone first. Then, when you are ready, bring your partner to the couples section.

With love and honesty, Esther

The Five Pillars of Marriage That Adds

1. Clarity. You know what you are building together. When you disagree, you both know what to return to.

2. Presence. You show up for the person, not just for the partnership. Presence is the decision to actually attend to who this person is today.

3. Growth. You make room for each other to change. A marriage that adds creates the conditions for both people to become who they are becoming, without making the growth a threat.

4. Honesty. You say the hard thing, and you hear it. A marriage that adds builds the capacity to say what is difficult to say, and to hear what is difficult to hear, without the conversation becoming a wound.

5. Faith. You hold something larger than both of you. What matters is that both people have a reference point that is not entirely each other.

Solo Reflection Questions

Work through these alone first. These questions have honest answers, not correct ones.

On Clarity

In one sentence, what are you and your partner building together? ____________________________________________________________

If your partner were answering that same question right now, would they write the same sentence? ____________________________________________________________

When you disagree with your partner, what do you each tend to return to as your reference point? Is it the same reference point? ____________________________________________________________

On Presence

In the last week, name a moment when you were physically present with your partner but mentally elsewhere. What were you thinking about? ____________________________________________________________

When does your partner feel most seen by you? Do you do that thing consistently? ____________________________________________________________

What is something your partner is going through right now that you have not fully attended to? ____________________________________________________________

On Growth

How have you changed as a person in the last three years? Does your partner know about that change? ____________________________________________________________

Is there a way your partner is growing or changing that you have found difficult to accommodate? What is underneath that difficulty? ____________________________________________________________

Is there a version of yourself you want to become that you have not told your partner about? ____________________________________________________________

On Honesty

What is one thing you have been meaning to say to your partner but have not said? What are you waiting for? ____________________________________________________________

What is one thing you know your partner has been trying to tell you that you have been receiving defensively? ____________________________________________________________

Is there a pattern in your relationship that neither of you has named directly? What would happen if you named it? ____________________________________________________________

On Faith

What do you both hold that is larger than your individual preferences? Is that shared frame strong right now, or does it need tending? ____________________________________________________________

When your marriage has been tested, what has held it? Name it specifically. ____________________________________________________________

Couples Conversation Prompts

Choose a time when neither of you is tired, rushed, or coming from a difficult day. Sit facing each other. No phones. One person reads the prompt aloud. Both answer, one at a time, with the other listening without interrupting. The goal is understanding, not resolution.

Prompt 1: What we are building. “The thing I most want us to build together in the next five years is ____________. The part of that I am most afraid of is ____________. What I need from you in order to believe we can do it is ____________.” Both answer. Then: What did you hear in each other’s answers that you did not already know?

Prompt 2: The cup. “Right now, on a scale of 1 to 10, my cup feels ______ full. The one thing that would fill it most right now is ____________. The one thing I do that I think fills your cup is ____________. Am I right?” Both answer. Then: Where were you surprised?

Prompt 3: What I appreciate and what I miss. “Something I genuinely appreciate about you that I don’t say often enough is ____________. Something I miss about us is ____________. I am not asking you to fix it. I just wanted you to know.” Both answer.

Prompt 4: The conversation we keep not having. “There is something I have been wanting to bring to you and I haven’t. I’m going to try now. ____________. What I need from you as I say this is not to fix it, just to hear it.”

Prompt 5: What adding looks like. “The way I feel most loved by you is ____________. The way I show love that I’m not sure lands for you is ____________. Is that landing? What works better?” Both answer.

Prompt 6: Faith and anchor. “When I have felt most grounded in our marriage it has been when ____________. I want more of that. What would it take to build more of it intentionally?” Both answer.

30-Day Practice

The biggest insight from conversations about marriage is not that couples lack love. It is that they lack rhythm. Pick one intentional act per day from the list below, or write your own.

• Said one specific appreciation out loud (name the thing, not “thank you for everything”)
• Sat together without a screen for at least 15 minutes
• Asked a question and listened for the full answer
• Sent a text that was purely warmth, no logistics
• Prayed or reflected together, even briefly
• Laughed together about something
• Acknowledged a hard moment without trying to fix it
• Asked “what do you need today?” and followed through
• Shared something I was anxious about
• Did something my partner loves that is not my preference
• Said “I was wrong” or “I should have handled that differently”
• Made a future plan together, even a small one
• Put my phone down when they walked into the room
• Told them one specific thing I admire about who they are becoming

At day 30, reflect. What changed? What did you notice about your partner? What did you notice about yourself? ____________________________________________________________

If this workbook opened a conversation you want to continue, join us. Join the Table

Listen to Episode 1: “Leadership, Love and the Warrior Ethos with Dr. Rich Stowell”

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